The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
