Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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