the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's shark week go big or go home
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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