so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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