It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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