put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize