You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
