I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
