He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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