I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
