apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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