Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
