you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
