I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize