My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
