I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
