i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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