I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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