Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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