you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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