he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
