I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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