Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
