Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Randomize
