I just made out with a guy for $7.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
