Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The air was thick with penises
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
