Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
