are you so shy because you have an std?
you traded sex for a burrito?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize