Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
