Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
