That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
