I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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