im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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