I am puke
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
