Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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