my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize