I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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