I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
