You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Also, beer. Big fan.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
