Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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