just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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