it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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