"it" just moved
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
