did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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