where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
