Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
