If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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