Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
