That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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