the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
