My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
