the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
