I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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