dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
