I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize