So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
