so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
