I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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