i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
