I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
