you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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