My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
