I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
