I look better un-naked...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
